Steady Ride
by Twisted Trans-Sister
Summary: Blood Gulch. Possible the most boring outpost in the entire universe. Fortunately one Freelancer is about to make it a whole lot more interesting. GrifxOC, CaboosexOC
1. Simultaneous Bickering

Summary: When the Freelancers set up their own base in Blood Gulch, the Reds and Blues weren't expecting it to have only one girl running it. Or giving out help to both sides. GrifxOC, CaboosexOC

"-And thats the plan. Any questions?"

"Permission to speak insultingly sir?"

"Permission denied! This is the most fool proof plan to conquer the Blues since Doc showed up."

"You made me humiliate myself!"

"That was the best surrender of all time!"

As the Reds bickered over their new scheme, somewhere on the other side of Blood Gulch was a similar dilemma.

"For the last time, it's not my turn to babysit Junior!"

"Church! This is a serious situation we've got here! I can't leave Junior alone!"

"Blargh!"

"You said you needed to go to the store! And I'm not falling for that one!"

"Oh come on! I can't ask Sister or Caboose!"

"Why not?"

"Because Caboose is an idiot he can't take care of my kid. And Sister's not exactly maternal!"

"Blargh!"

As the two teams simultaneously bickered, suddenly a loud buzzing could be heard on the radio.

"Hello? Hello?! Is anyone listing?"

The bickering stopped at once.

"Say what?" said Tucker.

"Who the hell are you?" commanded Sarge.

"Hello? This is Command with a special broadcast to the Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha!" said a light voice.

"This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha! We read you!" replied Sarge.

"Sarge? What're doing on our radio? Get off, this is our Command!" argued Church.

"What's with the Blues and Reds sharing the same Command?" asked Grif.

"Hey! Hey! This is Agent Maryland with a special news broadcast!"

"Agent Maryland?" asked Simmons.

"What happened to Vic Jr.?" asked Tucker.

"Oh he quit a long time ago. Something about pursuing his dream to be a porn star."

"That was a little over the top," grumbled Church.

"Well anyway," continued Maryland, "This is Agent Maryland with a special news broadcast. But you can just call me Lucky!"

"Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Shut up Tucker! What's the news?"

"Okay, Command has set up a new station in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Reds and Blues now have access to our clinic, desk office for sending in requests, and our Friday Night Bar! Free margaritas for the first twenty people in!" chirped Lucky.

"There isn't any more than twenty!" Grif pointed out.

"Good thing, all we've got are margaritas!"

"Aw sweet!" cheered Donut.

"How can you have a bar with only one drink available?" Church asked.

"Well that's all I can make! And I'm in charge of all the facilities here!"

"You mean they put you in charge of everything? One guy?"

"Whaddaya mean guy? I'm a girl!"

"I knew it! Only girls can make margaritas!" Caboose stated.

"Well anyways, be sure to drop by for injuries, request forms, and Maryland's Famous Margaritas. We're where the cave used to be. Later!" A buzzing noise crackled through the radio until it switched off. After an awkward silence, Church finally spoke to the group of Blues that had gathered around him.

"Well this is easily the best thing that's happened so far. Hey wait, where's Tex?"

Back at Red Base, Donut was still estatic over the new station.

"This'll be awesome! We can drink margaritas and bond every Friday!"

"No way! Margaritas are for pussies." grumbled Grif.

"Well in any case, we still have a dilemma. Despite the convienent location of Command, its also accessible by the Blues! Dirty backstabbers!"

Meanwhile, the new building of Command was quiet. Inside was a circular desk, Lucky tapped her fingers on the desk after she turned off her headset.

"Wow, I think we all really connected!"

Lucky wore no armor. Instead, she wore a casual uniform, with long grey flannel sweatpants, a long sleeved black shirt and a white vest bearing the logo of Command. Her black hair was put up in a half ponytail, and her dark eyes were sparkling proudly with a job well done. All that was left was to wait for anyone to show up. She puffed a astray strand of hair away boredly. She wanted to play solitare while she waited, but someone could come in any time-

Suddenly the tinkle of the doorbell swinging as someone came in, Lucky popped out of her bored stupor into the classic secretary pose.

"Welcome to Command's Station in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha how may...I ...help..."

Lucky looked up through the barrel of a sniper rifle and gulped as she followed it up to the person holding it.

"Aw shit."

"Hey there Lucky. Mind telling me where your AI's run off to?" Tex said in a fakely sweet voice. Lucky gulped nervously again.

Not the way she hoped her day on the job would start.


	2. Sharing Command

"Tex, what the hell is your problem?!" said Lucky panicked as she held up her hands, afraid to take her eyes off the rifle.

"O'Malley's getting desperate, and I'm not about to let him take control of any more AI's while he's on the loose."

"Hell if I know where mine is. Kappa hasn't talked to me since the last time I had a check-up."

"When was that?"

"Three years ago. I think he got sealed or something."

"Sealed? What for?"

"You know how Kappa is. Kappa's big on strength, but has no focus. He'll run headlong into battle and forget why he went in."

"Oh yeah. Heh, aren't you a little scatter brained too?"

"At least my AI isn't a complete psycho. Mine can't focus enough to make me a ultra crazy bitch."

"Yeah I see your point." Tex lowered the gun. Lucky let out a held breath in relief. Tex sat down in one of the waiting chairs.

"Oooh comfy."

"Yeah. This station is supposed to boost morale, so they were pretty generous making it."

"God knows there isn't enough. Hey, how much are they paying you to do this job?"

"Uhh...its actually considered as a, punishment, of sorts."

"Punishement? What'ya do?"

"I accidentally blew up part of the base at my last station. This is sorta my punishment, like, community service."

"Sounds easy."

"Yeah, not to mention I've got a sweet pad upstairs."

"Really? I thought this was a punishment."

"Yeah I thought that too, but I didn't think to question much."

"Good choice. As for me-"

BAM

"Son of a bitch!" shrieked Lucky, falling back onto the floor as she tipped over her chair in shock. Under her mask, Tex's eyes widened in shock. She jolted up in her seat as Lucky picked herself up. Lucky thanked whoever decided to have carpets in the office silently as she brushed herself off.

"What the hell was that?!"

"I have a good idea," Tex grumbled. The two of them opened to doors to find what was expected outside.

"We were here first! So suck it Blues!"

"No way! We called dibs!"

Tex groaned and shook her head irritatedly. Lucky tilted her head in confusion.

"Dibs? But we don't sell ice cream here...And since when did the Blues become lollipops?"

"You want the long version or the short version?" sighed Tex, as if it happened everyday. Church heard Tex and turned toward the two Freelancers.

"Tex? How'd you get here first?"

"I was scouting when I heard Lucky's broadcast, so I decided to investigate her AI. No such luck though."

"How come?"

"My AI's the quiet type." replied Lucky with a shrug. Tucker perked up at the un-armored girl.

"Finally! Someone here who's not gonna shoot at us!"

"How can I? Command told me I wasn't allowed to handle guns or firearms since I got here?"

"Why not? Did you kill Church? Cause I did and they haven't told me that yet..."Caboose trailed off as he felt the glare of Church silencing him. Lucky looked at them oddly, trying to figure out how someone could be killed, and come back.

"Uhhh...no."

"Well its about time someone didn't kill me for once. But seriously, why not?"

"I got a court order for blowing up a part of the old base I was at."

"Was it a Blue base? Cause if it was then something is seriously wrong with Command!" Sarge asked.

"Nah..it was a Freelancer base. They were seriously pissed off too. I almost got shot in the ass!"

"So what? Are you like, our new station place or what?" asked Sister. Lucky's head snapped up in rememberance.

"Oh yeah! I guess I am...why are you guys fighting outside the station anyways?"

"Because we're here to make requests to Command for a mechanic to fix our jeep!" Simmons explained.

"And we're here for a mechanic to fix our tank." said Church. Lucky pondered over the two requests.

"So, lemme guess. You both want a mechanic for yourself, but don't want the other to have one. Right?"

"Right." said the teams in unison.

"Well, since the budget causes the Reds and Blues to share a Command-"

"Seriously, does anyone else see how fucked up that is?" Grif interrupted.

"-All the simalar requests have to be shared too. Luckily for you guys, my training included mechanics and medical sciences! And secretary work...but its more of a hobby really!"

"What? We don't wanna share. This sucks!" Grif whined.

"Psh...like we wanna share Command with you numbnuts." retorted Tucker. Lucky frowned.

"Okay, hey. If you guys are gonna fight, do it on the battefield. The station area has a strict non violence code. So knock it off."

"Oh yeah? Whatcha gonna do to stop us? You don't even have a gun!" said Church.

"Yeah, but I do have the funds to pay Tex to keep the code." At this, Tex smirked and cocked their gun. Both sides shivered at the idea of a paid Tex firing a round on all their asses. "We see your point."


	3. Plotting and Boo Boos

"Okay down to business. Who's first?" Lucky said professionally, putting her hands on her hips. She felt incredibly confident with Tex on her side. Sometimes her job seemed less like a punishment than ever.

"We are!" both teams said at once. Glares quickly followed. Lucky groaned and slapped a hand to her head.

"Fine. I see I'll have to use the other method of who goes first."

"What's that?" asked Caboose.

"Guess what number I'm thinking of."

"Ooh! I guess purple!"

"Caboose, purple is a color." Tucker stated duly.

"Did I get it right?" Caboose asked.

"Uh, I think I'll let Sarge and Church pick."

"What? How come?" Grif retorted.

"Well they're the leaders right?"

"And Sarge is the greatest leader of them all!" Simmons interjected.

"Thank you Simmons. Just for that, I'll let you guess."

"Sweet!"

"What?! This blows!" Grif complained.

"Can it dirt bag!"

"Eeep!" Tex's body suddenly squeaked as it whacked Grif around the head. Grif yelled out painfully as Tex shook herself out of it.

"Whoa...that was freaky. Do it again!"

"Sure thing! Codeword Dirtbag!"

"Eep!"

"Ow! Son of a bitch!"

"Hey you guuuuyys!" Lucky waved her arms trying to regain attention. "I've picked my number. It's a number between one and ten. Church, you first."

"Seven,"

"Three," guessed Simmons.

"Sorry Blues, Simmons wins."

"What?! That's bullshit, what was the number?" Chruch exclaimed angrily

"One!"

"Oh my god..."Church groaned. The Reds whooped in excitement.

"Yeah! Suck it Blues!" Simmons cheered.

"Another victory for the Red team!" Donut whooped.

"What? All Simmons did was guess a stupid number!" Grif grumbled loudly in disapproval.

"Quiet you! You're ruining a great victory!" ordered Sarge.

"Well I'm gonna go get my mechanic stuff. I'll be by the Red base shortly, and after I fix your jeep, I'll swing by the Blue base and fix their tank. Got it?"

"I still can't believe we're sharing a fricken Command!" said Grif.

The two teams left in a mix of grumbles and cheer, leaving Tex and Lucky standing in front of the station.

"Seriously though, wanna pay me for some peace-keeping?" pried Tex.

"Maybe if one of the teams starts a fight here. But otherwise no. Try coming on Margarita Night, they might get rowdy after couple drinks."

"So...does this make me some kinda bouncer here?"

"I think so."

"...Yeah, I can live with that."

Meanwhile, back at Red base...

"Men, I've come up with another brillant plan to outdo the Blues!"

"Oh my God...not again..." groaned Grif at the sound of Sarge's "brillant scheme".

"Since the new Agent is agreeing to fixing the Blue tank, its quite obvious thats fratenizing with the enemy and planning to overthrow the Red army!"

"I knew it had to be stupid." Grif groaned.

"I think its a great idea sir!" Simmons encouraged. Grif rolled his eyes. Typical ass kisser.

"Thank you Simmons. That it is. We can't afford Lucky to get a chance to fix the Blue tank and penetrate our defenses! So when she arrives to fix the Warthog, we'll take her prisoner!"

"I thought she was from Command, isn't that an offense?" Grif asked. Donut however was estatic.

"Finally! A girl I can finally talk to! I hope she like ribbons and unicorns!"

Back at Blue Base...

"Why is Tex hanging out with Lucky?"

"I dunno...I knew they were aquainted during the AI experiment, but Tex never talked about her much. Probably the whole quiet AI thing." Church replied to Tucker, looking through the sniper rifle at the two of them. Lucky was packing tools onto a leather belt as she talked to Tex who had taken her helmet off in the truce zone.

"What is Lucky's AI anyway?"

"Kappa, and apparently Tex said her armor makes her twenty times as strong as the average soldier."

"Dude! That's kickass!"

"Yeah but the downside is that it causes the user to lose focus. It'll be fighting and forget why, which can cause it to turn on its allies. Lucky and Kappa are failed experiments."

"I dunno, Lucky in my books is A+ for Atrocious Hot! Bow chicka bow wow!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TUCKER!"

"Say...where's Caboose?" Tucker asked looking around.

"Honk!"

Back at the Station...

"And I think I'm all set. Wrenchs, screwdrivers, spare bolts and nuggets...all I gotta do is-

"HEY! Miss Nice Station Lady!" waved Caboose running over to the Station.

"Oh hey Caboose! What's all the fuss?" Caboose held one of his hands gingerly as a small trickle of blood seeped out. Underneath the helmet, Lucky could imagine him pouting like a whipped puppy.

"Miss Lucky I tripped and I think I broke my hand...please fix it..." Caboose's voice trembled slightly as the hand stung painfully.

"Aw it'll be okay Caboose." she turned to Tex, "Well I'll see you later. 7 pm on Margarita Night?"

"Sure, but you should seriously call Command about getting more choice in drinks." Tex said before running towards Blue Base. Lucky turned back toward Caboose.

"Come on in. I'm sure the Reds won't mind if I'm late."

"Hey Lucky...are you a mean girl or a regular girl?"


	4. The Most Brilliant Plan Ever ruined

"Okie dokie! Luckily it was only sprained and scraped. Stay off it and it'll be good as new by tomorrow!"

"That is good! I like my hands!" Caboose flexed his other hand. Thanks to his uncanny strength, they were muscular and firm.

"Say, what were you doing without gloves on anyways?"

"I thought I saw a dime...but it was a piece of glass..." he dropped to a whisper,"I think that is what scraped me."

"Well since you hands all better, I better head over to Red base and get crackin' on that jeep." She pulled her utility belt back on. As she turned to leave, she felt Caboose pull on her sleeve.

"Can I have a lollipop?" His helmet was off and his baby blue eyes were sparkling in anticipation. She ruffled his hair playfully.

"Sorry Caboose, no lollys here. There's some mints in the front desk though, so help yourself."

"I think you are nicer than all the other girls here. I never get candy!" He looked positively adoring. Lucky just smiled cheerily.

"It all comes from years of secretary school, positive thinking, and drugs that make me smile unnaturally!" At this, her cheeks widened horrifically. She managed to gain control of her mouth to get out the door as Caboose dug his uninjured hand greedily into the bowl of peppermints, popping two into his mouth. Unsuspecting Lucky began her stroll cheerily as she whistled nonsensically, unawares of the Red's plotting.

Off at Red base, Simmons spotted the whistling Lucky walking down to the base through the sniper rifle. "Quick, Donut! Lucky's coming...is everything set?" he quickly gestured to the pink private.

"Yup! I made the net myself! Do you think I show have used that musty rope though? I could make something really comfy out of hemp-"

"Donut that's not important! Do you have the net or what?" Donut held up the net bundled neatly in his arms.

"Check!"

"Quick, hide it until she finishes the jeep. Remember, don't use it until Sarge says."

"Hey there! Anyone home?" Lucky called. Donut hastily shoved the net out of sight as Simmons lifted his visor, feigning cheerfulness.

"Hey Lucky....uh..nice day to fix tanks huh?" he asked nervously with an uneasy grin. Lucky however was rummaging through her box of tools pulling out a set of gauntlets.

"Yup...no day like today..."she said absentmindedly. Grif, who had been leaning against the wall outside rolled his eyes visibly, his helmet at his feet as he smoked a cigarette. Picking it up and slinging it lazily over his shoulder, he walked up to Lucky who had pulled on the thick armored gloves.

"Weirdo...you ready?"

"Yeah...I just had to bring the gauntlets from my old uniform with me. Some of those bolts are tough to screw in and out so I need a little extra boost."

"Wait...I thought you weren't allowed to have any weaponry?" Grif's eyebrow raised slightly as they walked around the back to the dinged Jeep. She plopped down underneath, pulling wrenches and bolts out of her toolbox as she talked.

"Yeah but I've been ordered to carry around my armor since it's uncompatible with other soldiers." Grif leaned against the wall, watching her work.

"Really? How so?"

As they chatted nonchantly, Sarge, Simmons, and Donut watched curiously from the top of the base.

"Man, Grif sure knows how to distract people!" Dount commented. Simmons snorted, unimpressed.

"Only 'cause he's _always_ the distraction. And Lucky doesn't exactly seem to be the tightest bolt in the bunch...no pun intended."

"Well while Grif distracts Lucky, we've gotta set up the net. Lets move out." Sarge commanded. Below them, the conversation went on unhindered.

"Weird...so you've got some psycho AI thing, right?" Lucky put a finger to her lip cutely in thought.

"Not psycho...but it's more forgetful than anything. It'll start throwing boulders and forget why."

"Thats awesome! I've always wanted to throw boulders at Simmons. And rip off heads maybe...be a lot cooler than just shooting with the damn rifle all the time." He glared at he current gun while Lucky looked apprehensively.

"Isn't he like, your comrade or something?"

"Doesn't keep him from being a prick. You nearly done?"

"Yeah...you guy ripped up your gas tank so I had to patch it up. There were some bolts loose or missing too...and its pretty dinged up. What were you guys doing?"

"Well...I can tell you we _weren't_ doing the coolest rendition of Dukes of Hazzard..." Lucky giggled slightly as she brushed off grime from her work pants. She looked at the jeep, tipped onto its side.

"Okie dokie! All that's fixed except for one more thing..."

With monstrous strength, she grabbed the edge of the jeep and pulled it right side up as easily as opening the door. A slack jawed Grif looked at her with a shocked expression, cigarette falling out of his mouth.

"What do they teach you in freelancer school?!"

"Well... I can definitely tell you what they _weren't_ teaching!"

"Seriously though," Grif eyed her suspiciously, "How'd you do that?"

"Isn't it obvious? These are from my old armor, which has super powered qualities built for my AI. So when I wear any part of the armor, my strength boosts. I'm like Hercules when the whole thing's on."

"Whoa...that's freaky."

"Yeah...the first time I put it on....hmmm...y'know for some reason I forget what happened..."

"CHARGE!"

"Huh?"

As Lucky had drifted off into thought, Sarge and Simmons pounced from the base and threw the net. Lucky was still stunned by the war cry and stood there, oddly draped in a net.

"Aha! Gotcha!" Sarge whooped.

"Excellent battlecry sir!"

"Thank you Simmons!"

"Kiss ass..." muttered Grif. Lucky raised an eyebrow strangely before gingerly pulling off the net with ease. Sarge looked flabbergasted as Lucky stared back with an air of obviousness.

"Its a piece of netted rope, its not all that hard to get out of."

"Quick Simmons! Proceed to plan B!"

"Yes sir!"

*WHACK*

With a sure hit to the back of the head, Lucky was down. Before she fell however, she did manage to slip out-

"Son of a bitch!"


	5. Minty Fresh Doom

Back at the Command Station, Caboose had finished polishing off the bowl of meager mints, which comes from being stuck in a hot box canyon all day. He licked his lips, shivering delightfully at the minty freshness he was sure to have now. He awed at the view from the outside of the station.

"Ooh hey! I can see the bases from here!"

Holding up a hand to block the bright sun, he peered out over the canyon before spying something odd. He squinted against the light, squeezing his grip on his helmet. Over at Red Base something was being dragged inside. It took him a minute to recognize the uniform...

"Gasp! Lucky's been captured!" Caboose finally stated to himself. He began thinking about all the possible horrors awaiting her inside. Torture? Starvation? Horrible spankings? With a heroic pose he raised his gun.

"I must go and save the beautiful princess! And then everyone will love me! Especially Church!"

Inside of the Red Base however...

"Aww, come on guys! I'm not even on a side!" Lucky whined as she tied up to a column in the Red base, kicking her legs in emphasis as she scrunched up her face like a little kid. Grif had wisely taken off her gloves and set them aside in order to keep her from busting out and running away. Despite his chagrin to Sarge's plan, he played along, simply because it was far too troublesome to argue. He leaned against the wall, smoking a cigarette as Sarge barked back at Lucky, who pouted childishly.

"You do realize that against a tank our jeep isn't all that good?" Simmons pointed out after Sarge left them to guard Lucky. "Even if you did fix up both the tank and the jeep, we'd still get blown up by Sheila."

"Yeha but I-wait...whose Sheila?" she asked suddenly.

"She's the computer program running the tank. "

"Wow! The Blues have someone running their tank for them?"

"Yeah, which makes it pretty hard for us!" Grif rolled his eyes at Simmons.

"The only reason beating the Blues is hard is because everyone on this team sucks."

Meanwhile, with our gallant hero Caboose....

"Okay! Lets go save the princess Shelia!" Caboose called out bravely in front of the tank.

"Okay Private Caboose. Please activate main throttle engine."

Once again with the Reds...

"Donut! Simmons! Get up here! I need ya!" barked Sarge at the two soldiers. Grif was leaning back in his chair smoking, while Lucky slumped tiredly in her seat.

"Right sir!"

Lucky and Grif were once again left alone, Lucky awkwardly tied to a chair and Grif boredly smoking a cigarette. Lucky wrinkled her nose slightly at the smell of nicotine wafting lazily her way.

"I never figured out, even with years of medical training, how people can stand to smoke..." Grif shrugged slightly.

"Don't knock it till you try it."

"I _did _try it, I gave up because I couldn't stop coughing."

"....Oh....well it's not for everyone."

"Yeah. Just a good seventy percent of the population."

_"Firing main cannon."_

"Did you hear something?"

***BOOM***

"Son of a Bitch!" yelled Lucky as she fell backwards in her chair. Grif jumped up, spitting out his burning cigarette before slamming his helmet back on. He peeked his head out of the door one inch-

***BOOM***

-and then stuck it right back in.

"Err...yeah. I think the Blues fixed their tank. No need to run over there now."

At that moment, the back door was knocked down. Waving triumphantly with Shelia on fire, literally, in the background, Caboose yelled out.

"Beware evil doers! Private Micheal J. Caboose has come to the rescue! Now with minty freshness!"


	6. Attachments Are Made

"Errr...."

Lucky was overwhelmed. First she had been knocked out and kidnapped by the Red Team for a very confusing plan. Now Caboose had busted in, blown up the back door while knocking out Grif in the process, and was hollering something about knights and breathmints. She looked quizzically at him as he untied the rope binding her to the chair. She rubbed the sore spots on her arms where the rope had left burns. She then yelped slightly as Caboose easily lifted her like a groom carrying a bride.

"Let's go! We can defeat the evil doers later!"

"Eek! Wait I need my gloves!" she squealed as she nabbed them from the table, along with her utility belt. Caboose hadn't halted for a minute. He dashed outside where a tank was steadily reducing one of the walls of the base to dust. He gingerly sat her on top of the tank where Lucky gripped the sides, carefully avoiding the treads, to keep from slipping off. Caboose quickly took the driver's seat before turning the tank around.

"Quick Shelia! We've got the princess!"

"Wait! You mean this is Shelia?!" Lucky yelped as the tank steamrolled across the gulch. She was still clinging desperately on the front, manuevering her legs to keep the gloves and belt from slipping off.

"Yes Private Lucky. I am Shelia, the M8V Main Battle Tank."

"I thought you were broken!"

"I am suffering from some minor glitches in my artillery system. I think that would explain why the Red Base suffered such little damage."

As the halted in front of Blue Base, Tucker, Church, and Sister all rushed out to see Lucky slowly sliding off the front of Shelia while Caboose hopped out of the driver's seat.

"Caboose, what the hell is going on around here?! And Lucky what took you so long?!" Church ordered.

"I saved the princess!" Caboose claimed proudly. Church turned to Lucky.

"Okay, now what really happened?"

"Err... well he's kinda right. The Reds didn't want me fixing the tank...so they kinda knocked me out and tied me up. Caboose got the tank and, in a sense, rescued me." Lucky said awkwardly, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly.

"Wait, you mean Caboose? Are you sure?" Tucker asked warily.

"Yup. He's the guy who brought the tank."

"Man, thats pretty creepy...Caboose managed to pull something like that off?"

"I know, I'm freaked out too," replied Church. Sister looked over quizzically at Lucky as she pulled on gloves.

"What're you doing?"

"I'm just going to check the canon. Shelia said it was messed up somehow." After that, she promptly stuck her head into the canon. The response was immediate.

"What the hell are you doing?!" yelled Church, yanking on her pant leg.

"Checking the canon?" Lucky answered, confused slightly. She didn't know the record of the team killing tank quite yet. Church managed to calm down.

"Okay...but I swear that is the first time someone deliberately got that close to a canon."

Lucky resumed her examination as Tucker, Sister and Caboose watched. Tucker had taken off his helmet in the heat and was watching Lucky's backside intently.

"Y'know, I think I'm going to like Lucky...." Tucker sighed. Or at the very least her toned behind.

"Yeah! Not only does she have alcohol, but she's probably got morphine too!" Sister chirped.

"Yeah...wait...what?"

"I asked if she was a mean girl or a regular girl..." stated Caboose, "But she said she wasn't sure. Do you know Tucker?"

"Remember what Church said?"

"There are no regular girls..." Caboose mumbled. Finally Lucky took her head, smeared with soot and grease, out of the cannon.

"There's nothing broken or misplaced, its just clogged up. Mind if I scrub it or...?" Lucky asked Shiela.

"That'd be great!" answered Shiela happily, "It's been a while since its been cleaned. The team over here is not that hygenic."

"Hey!"

"Well I'll need a pole or something....I can't reach all the way in..."

"Hey Lucky! I got a long pole you can use! Bow chicka bow wow!" Tucker hooted. Lucky looked back blankly.

"Oh really?"

Back at Red Base...

"Ugh....what happened?" groaned Grif as he awoke from his state of unconsciousness.

"That blue guy came over and knocked you out with the tank and took the prisoner!" Donut answered.

"Daggummit!" groaned Sarge, "Not only did those dirty Blues nab the prisoner, they failed to blow up Grif. Grif glared back at him.

"I'm fine by the way." Grif grumbled, wiping a small trail of blood from a deep cut on his forehead. As everyone else cleared out of the room, grumbling about the loss of their prisoner, Grif stayed behind after Sarge ordered him to clean up the mess. As he propped up the seat Lucky had been tied up in, something caught his eye. On the edge of the chair, two pairs of dogtags hung on a thin, iron chain, not unlike the ones they wore on Red Team. However, he only remembered having two. What was Lucky doing with four? Picking it up, he read the two names copied onto the thin metal.

Officer Frank Dufresne

Private Lucky Kirk

He looked quizzically at the foremost dog tag. Unlike Lucky's, it was neater and less dented. Lucky's was dinged, smeared with fingerprints, and had a hole that looked suspiciously like a bullet hole. Yet Dufresne's was almost perfectly intact. And something about the name tugged at the corners of Grif's mind, like he had heard of it somewhere...

Despite the good part of his conscious telling him to turn it in...he instead pocketed it. Something about owning a small piece of Lucky tugged at his heartstrings...which he didn't find as odd as he might have before. After all...the only two women in the canyon were his sister, and a psycho Freelancer.

At that moment however, as both teams went about their usual business, Lucky cleaning out Sheila, the Blues and Reds considering new battle plans, a small ring of manaical laughter could be heard near the peak of the gulch....


	7. Grease, Grime, One at a Time

Lucky grinned proudly as the cannon on Sheila now gleamed in the sunshine. Sliding gracefully off the top of the tank she pulled off her gloves.

"How's that Sheila? Did I miss a spot?"

"I congradulate you on your efficiency. It used to be so hard to maneuver with that stuffed up cannon."

"Its a good thing I cleaned it too. Otherwise, the gunk would've built up so much, your ammunition might've backfired."

Caboose ran over to Lucky, holding his hand as he did before.

"Uhh...Lucky? I know you told me not to use my bad hand for a while but...I forgot. And now it hurts. Please fix it."

Lucky sighed, but still smiled at Caboose's clumsiness. It was unbelieveable how he could bust into the Red Base and rescue her, but he couldn't keep track of a sprained hand.

"C'mere you." she gestured. Gently unwrapping the bandage around his hand, she saw that the bruise had darken considerably and was throbbing. Retriving a new bandage, she swabbed it down with rubbing alcohol. Caboose winced and pulled on Lucky's pant leg with a slight whine.

"Ooh..please that hurts!"

"You know how medicine goes, it usually get worse before it gets better."

"Honk!"

Lucky was startled as a small alien baby had just waddled up beside her as she sat cross legged on the ground with Caboose. It's many teeth slobbered with drool as she imagined it prodded slightly at her arm with a tiny claw.

"Uhh...what is he?"

"Oh that. That's Tucker's baby."

"Huh? How'd that work?"

"Er...well it was really grosss...and really slimy."

"Blargh?"

Junior continued to poke experimentally at Lucky as she tended to nurse Caboose's hand. Just as she finished, he hopped into her lap. She squeaked slightly.

"Uhhh...what does it want?" Lucky asked warily as Junior awkwardly settled into her lap with his strange limbs settling around her legs.

"I think he likes you! Or he thinks you are a bed."

"Honk!"

"I hope he doesn't think I'm a mommy or something. I wasn't raised right enough to be a good mom."

For some reason, Caboose stiffened slightly at that statement. Even as Lucky held her arms out warily, worried to startle the strange alien baby situated in her lap, Caboose felt uneasy at the comment. Her being Junior's mom, or surrogate mom at least, might mean Tucker would be a dad. And that just didn't fit right. But then again, Caboose hated babies. It took forever to get used to Junior, and he was still upset he drained a good chunk of his blood. While he furrowed his brows in thought, Lucky cooed slightly at the comfortable alien in her lap.

"Y'know, once you get over the alien body, drooling fangs, and weird language, he's kinda cute."

"Why do you think you would not be a good mom?" Caboose asked suddenly. To his surprise, Lucky flushed slightly.

"Well...my mom was strict....really, really, really, strict. I wanted to take a job as a secretary since it was my dream ever since I was little, but she scared me into joining the army." Lucky shivered, "She makes Tex look like a sweet, down home girl. I swear....fury hell hath no..."

"Honk!" chirped Junior. At that moment, Tucker chose to run outside.

"Hey! There you are Junior! You little rascal." Junior hopped up from Lucky's lap and Lucky stood up gratefully. All those pointy limbs were aching on her legs. As Tucker walked back inside the base, Lucky neatly packed the rest of her equipment away.

"Well, I think I'll turn in for the day. Tell Tex I said hi Caboose!" Lucky called as she walked away from the base. Caboose waved absentmindedly, a funny smile pulling at his cheeks. He wasn't so sure about Tex, but Lucky was definitely something.

Lucky pushed open the door and collapsed on her chair behind the desk. Her face and gloves were smeared with oil and grease, she was sweaty, tired, and overwhelmed by the activites of the day. Nonetheless, a broad smile was etched across her face, having nothing to do with smiling drugs. She plopped the gloves and tool belt down before heading to the upstairs apartment, shedding her clothes and turning on the shower head. Even for such a progressive day, it could be tough working for opposing sides.

As the shower drowned out all the other noises, the tinkle of the bell was heard in the office downstairs. As the door slammed shut behind him the unmistakeable chuckle of malice echoed in the office.

"Muahahaha! Now that we have another Freelancer cornered, no one can stand a chance! The universe will be mine!"

Several minutes later after a blissfull, but short shower, Lucky patted her damp hair dry after pulling on a pair of sweats and a black shirt. Slipping on her sandals she went downstairs, humming jovially. She stopped before the door to fiddle slightly with the thermostat, before opening it-

-to see another gun pointed at her face.

"....shit."

"La entrega, resistencia es vana.*"

"Muahahaha! You have fallen right into my trap! Only now do you realize...the...uhh....what are you staring at?"

Lucky looked shocked at O'Malley with her jaw open slack and her eyes as wide as the moon. It took several minutes before she managed to stutter...

"F-Frank?!"

*Surrender, resistance is futile (Translation)


	8. Captured, Confounded, Crushed

"Lucky? Is that you?"

A softer voice now spoke from the purple body. A slight tremble shook through Lucky at the familiar voice, ignoring the gun pointed at her by Lopez. O'Malley snapped back his posession after a moment's pause.

"What's going on?! What's with the dramatic pausing?!" Lucky flushed considerably, as red as a tomato. She twiddled with her fingers and looked away in embarassment. Lopez looked between the two of them, with obvious confusion.

"La tensión es matanza yo,"*

"Well, speak up!" demanded O'Malley.

"Oooh man...this is gonna be awkward," started Lucky, tapping her forefingers together anxiously, "Err, the thing is...Frank is sorta my....ex-boyfriend..." she mumbled. Doc was quick to answer.

"What are you doing in Blood Gulch anyways?"

"I got reassigned here after I blew up a part of my old station, what are you doing being infected with an AI?"

"Shut up you fool! You're coming with us!"

"What for?"

"That's secret! Now get moving!"

Back at Red Base...

After a few minutes of relaxing outside the wall of the base, Grif had gone back to fingering the dog tags. While the Dufrense tags still itched at the back of his mind, he simply looked at Lucky's with an almost fervent gaze. He learned quite a bit, She was born on St Patricks Day, was from Jamestown Virginia, and had enlisted at 18 years after four months of training and two years prior at Jamestown College. The two tiny pieces of metal were so full of dents, he could also tell she didn't care much for those tiny bits of information on her life. He paid no mind to Dufrense's tags. He wasn't important to Grif.

But the importance of Lucky was worrisome.

War was a difficult time to grow any affections, be it romantic or friendly. He knew that even his rocky friendship with the Red Team could easily, and painfully, be broken with relocation orders. Command wasn't understanding to friendship or love in the time of war. He hadn't know Lucky quite well, but it was stirring. Like any man involved with a charming woman in the workplace, he was tempted. Very, very tempted. Lucky didn't have the kind of fierce beauty Tex had, fiery devil that she was, and she didn't have the coy charm Sister had, and used much to Grif's displeasure. But she was simple, and understandable. She weighed evenly on the scales. However, any lind of physical and emotional relationship could be shattered by one simple, unquestionable order from Command. It was unfair, but undesputible.

But even as Lucky and Dufrense weighed heavily on Grif's mind, Caboose was dreaming of much lighter thoughts.

He sat on the edge of the wall at Blue Base, looking happily dazed in a light, feathery dream world. Much like his schoolboy crush with Shelia, he was unbelievably awed by Lucky. The previous encounters with women at Blood Gulch were not as pleasant. Tex was Church's stubborn obsession and devil incarnate when she wanted, and preferred violence to peace. Sister might've been better if she wasn't so morally confused. Such things as drugs and sex came so simply it was like talking about the weather. But like Golidilocks and the Three Bears, Caboose had found some one who was just right. Lucky was gentle, sincere, and a lot of things he felt he liked. He grinned goofily.

Even his usual team killing ability couldn't stand in the way of this.

"Muahahaha! You all are doomed now you fools!"

Everyone rushed to the center of the gulch, armed and armored, at the sound of the magnified voice. The two forces met in between as they simultaneously started talking.

"What the hell is going on here?" Church demanded.

"Why are you asking us? And why do you act like this is weird?" replied Grif.

"Hey, what's that?" said Donut, pointing to the cliff of the gulch. Everyone followed the figure to see three shadowed figures, one of which was struggling in anothers tight grip. Another maddened cackle broke out across the canyon as everyone realized who they were.

"Muahahaha! You fools have fallen right into my hands!"

"O'Malley?! Oh man not this shit again..." whined Tucker. Tex gritted her teeth angrily.

"Dammit....I can't believe it..." Tucker looked back at Tex in confusion.

"What, this is odd? He's only done this every time we try to relax here."

"That's not it." she pointed to the struggling figure next to O'Malley. With Lopez tightly gripped around her neck, Lucky wriggled in attempt to escape.

"Ow! Ease up will ya!"

"Lucky!"

"Lopez?"

"Yes! And now that I have posession of your precious Lucky, AND her special armor, no one stands a chance! Muahahaha!" he then broke of with a small strangled noise as Doc regained control, "I'm really, really sorry Lucky!"

"'S okay man," she gagged out, trying to pry away Lopez's arm, "If I were posessed by that creep, I'd be pretty pissed off too."

With a yelp, Lucky was yanked away, Doc pleading with O'Malley as he cackled. The Reds and Blues were left alone in the desolate canyon. They looked uneasily at each other.

"Well I'm stumped," Sarge finally declared, "I'm torn between my loyalty to our Command, and my undying annoyance to pair up with the Blues!"

"It's okay Sir, nothing we haven't done before," soothed Simmons. Grif didn't bother with a snappish retort. He was boiling furious. Even this was low for O'Malley.

"Well if either of us wants our only link to Command back, we can't do it on our own," said Church, "Once we rescue Lucky, we can go back to trying to kill each other. Deal?"

"Deal! Simmons! Git the Warthog! Donut and Grif, get the spare rounds of ammunition!" Sage barked out as the Red Team hustled.

"Lets meet back here in an hour. Then we'll move on to O'Malleys base." Church called out as they ran back to their base. Poor Caboose barely managed to keep his legs straight as they wobbled wretchedly. It was awful. Why did all the girl he ended up liking have something bad happen? First Shelia got blown up and fell in love with Lopez, now Lucky was kidnapped by O'Malley and that same robot.

Caboose and Grif grumbled at the same time. Life bites.

*The tension is killing me (Translation)


	9. Matters of Consequence

As the Blues prepared for the long trek before them, Church and Tex were left to collect weaponry and spare ammunition. Church wiped his sweaty brow, pushing back his short black hair away from his face before looking over to Tex. Her face was emotionless, but there were little things that Church picked up from years of knowing her that showed she was boiling with rage. Her eyes were narrowed, fire matching the amber orbs. Her cheeks were slightly drawn in as she clenched her teeth, occansionally shifting in a grit. Her red hair was standing on end and she was stiff as a board. Her hands were forcefully stuffing guns with bullets, looking like they were about to break something. It was terrifying in the least to be around Tex in this temper. But determined not to let it douse his efforts, he attempted to be soothing.

"You okay?" he asked gently.

"Fine!" Tex snarled back, calm demeanor breaking as her teeth were bared and the bullets she held barely holding shape under her crushing hands. Church flinched inwardly but stayed calm. Tex then sighed as she pushed her hands through her hair. It was a habit they shared, and a habit Church refused to give up whenever he was frustrated.

"I'm just peeved thats all..."

"Why do you care so much about Lucky anyways? You barely talked about her before." Tex shook her head in disagreement. She took up loading the guns again.

"Lucky is the kind of person you just hate to hate. During our time in Project Freelancer, she was bullied a little since she was so gentle and soft. I admit...I did my fair sharing of teasing too. But with her paitience and attitude..." Tex seemed speechless for a moment, "She just saw the good in everyone. Even South who was a worse bitch than me." Church smirked slightly at this.

"What, you mean that's possible?" Tex rolled her eyes.

"Oh ha ha. Anyways, she was one of the first to be implanted with an AI. But the specifics of her armor were so demanding, they gave up on it and transferred her to help the Freelancers."

"So she's not a true Freelancer?"

"She's labeled one, but not considered one. Even before she came to Blood Gulch she was working with paperwork since she was so reluctant to take up armaments. Some of the other Freelancers I've worked with consider her an insult to the Freelancers."

"Sounds depressing." Tex somehow was enraged by this.

"Yes! But she just laughs it off. She treats it all like its some big joke! I don't know how she lives with herself!" Tex was puffed up and fervent for a moment, before wilting over the table like a dead flower. "It's not something that anyone else could do." Church bravely rubbed her back in soothing circles, trying hard not to come off as erotic. Tex stiffened under the minstrations before relaxing slightly. Something as tender as that had its rare moments, even when they were dating.

"I guess she turned out alright in the end. She considered everyone as a friend in Project Freelancer, but she hung out mainly with Washington and New York and they were pretty clean guys. She was nice enough to help out with people who were unused to AIs since she was one of those who had their's the longest."

"What exactly is Kappa?"

"Kappa apparently is the lack of mind. Its the ability granted to people to simply not think, to daydream and be bored." Tex explained, "Unfortunately it failed since it _kept_ her from thinking. That's why she only wears parts of her armor when she needs strength, if she wears too much, she loses focus."

"Church! Tex! The Reds are out already! Are you done yet?!" Tucker yelled. Church lifted his hand away from Tex as Tucker stuck his head through the doorway. Tex's skin still tingled from the genlte touch.

"Chill out Tucker. We're almost done." Church groaned exasperated. Tucker snorted slightly before yelling for Junior, walking away from the door.

In the middle of the Gulch, Grif sat against the Warthog next to Donut. Sarge and Simmons had run back to the base to retrieve something, Sarge refused to say what at that point, and they were left alone. Donut was chatted animatedly, but Grif paid no mind. He was too busy fingering the dented metal dog tags in his pocket. He felt the secret of their existence swelling up in his chest that he felt he'd just burst. He eyed Dount warily. He was still talking with a fiery expression, going on about being a secret spy or something. Feeling dumber by the minute, Grif decided to trust him.

"Hey Donut?"

"Hmm? What is it?"

"Can you keep a secret?" he mumbled. Donut looked shocked, but excited at being trusted with something. He nodded eagerly and leaned in closer. Grif pulled the dog tags out as they gently clinked against the armor. Donut examined them curiously. Then he looked at the neater dog tag with surprise.

"Hey! This is Doc's dog tag!" Grif snapped up in shock.

"What?! Are you sure?" he tugged them back and looked at Dufrense's in surprise.

"Yeah! When Doc first came over, he said his name was Dufrense! Don't you remember?" Then Grif remembered, very unpleasingly.

"Oh yeah..."he grumbled, "_That_ Doc..."

"But its weird," Donut said, trying to see Lucky's tags again, "What's Lucky doing with Doc's tags?"

"Why are you asking me?" Grif grumbled grouchily, stuffing the tags away in his pocket. It was unbelievable that Lucky would've kept such an important part of Doc with her everywhere she went. Grif couldn't help the sting of envy that some loser had an advantage over him.

"Just don't tell 'kay? I don't want people hopping down my throat on this." Donut smiled broadly and stuffed his helmet back onto his blonde head. Grif reluctantly pulled his over his sandy brown one, hoping Donut hadn't noticed that glint of jealousy that streaked across his face. When this was over, he was going to get some answers. Then...with a surge of blood rushing into his cheeks at remembering Lucky's appealing form when she fixed the Warthog, he'd get a little more than that too.

At O'Malley's seaside base, such thoughts were far from Lucky's mind.

She was tied up in a room with one window and one door, guarded by Lopez. O'Malley had taked away every inch of her armor, but at least the place was clean. However, Lucky couldn't help but wrinkle her nose at the strong smell of bleach. She bit her lip in anxiety and tried to distract herself by looking out the window. A rotating blade moved slowly in circles behind two thick steel walls. A peeling paint job was inillegible as it faded away on an opposing wall outside. She could see the ocean, but the gray sky that hung around O'Malley's base doused any ideas of having fun in the sun. Lopez sat obediently in a chair, watching Lucky stare out the window. In another attempt to distract herself from her perilous thoughts, she attempted to strike up a conversation.

"Err...Hola… mi nombre es Lucky. "(Hello, my name is Lucky)

"Sé. Mi jefe guarda el hablar de usted."(I know, my boss keeps talking about you)

"Oh, ¿Por qué él me está guardando rehén?" (Why is he keeping me hostage?)

"I don' t sabe. Soy solamente un empeño en el diagrama diabólico de la vida" (I don't know. I am only a pawn in the diabolical plot of life)

"Oh...."

"....."

"...."

".....Su español es mejor que la mayor parte de los Imbéciles alrededor de aquí" (Your Spanish is better than most of the morons around here)

"Ah....Gracias..."(thank you)

"De nada,"(you're welcome)

Lucky coughed slightly, feeling awkward at talking to a robot. She tapped her feet, trying to wear off the tensity. It wasn't long until Lopez talked again.

"¿Dónde usted aprendió español?"(Where did you learn Spanish?)

"Ah...Tuve que tomar un curso en español para mi trabajo ideal"(I had to take it for my dream job)

"What' ¿s eso?"(What's that?)

"Una secretaria"(A secretary)

"Con clase..." (classy)

"Lopez!" O'Malley barked over the intercom, "Stop socializing with the prisoner! See if we can get any information on the fool's next battle plan!"

"Si."

As Lopez stood up, Lucky began to sweat nervously. What she wouldn't give to just do paperwork right now!


	10. Good News, Bad News

"Ah hee heee hehee! Na-quit! That tickles!"

Flailing her legs in desperation, Lucky could only flap, tied in her chair, as she was mercilessly tickled. Lopez, for all his stern, emotionless robotics, was merciless when it came to interrigation and torture. Lucky laughed hoarsely, sides aching horribly. To the contrary, she was under serious pressure. If he kept this up to long, her intestines would twist and twist with laughter until she....well...y'know...

"Gack!" She finally managed to contort her face into a tortured grimace, "L-Lopez! I can't ke-keep this up!"

"I' m solamente el queso de cerdo de esta operación. What' ¿s el peor que podría suceder?" (I'm only the brawns of the operation. What's the worst that could happen?)

"I could choke! I got-gotta breathe!" she coughed out between forced laughs. Just when her face began turning blue with laughter-

"Lopez! Get out to the turrents! We need cover! Those fools are gathering on the beach!" yelled O'Malley through the speakers. Instantly he stopped tickling Lucky who gasped in air, her face gradually changing back to its soft peachy color. He opened the door where O'Malley stood on the other side.

"Did you learn anything from the prisoner?"

"No, ella dice que ella no sabe cualquier cosa," (No, she says she doesn't know anything)

"Well once you eliminate those idiots outside, come back and try again. Doc says he needs to speak with the prisoner for something." O'Malley grumbled, submitting to Doc's will as Lopez hurried to his defensive turrent. Doc sat down and took off his helmet. Lucky couldn't help but remember a stir of affection from old times. He still had hippie long brown hair, and he still wore his glasses pressed firmly to his face. His face was slightly sweaty with nervousness as he bit his lip.

"It's been a while...I guess..." he said, mumbling. Lucky smiled back, despite it all.

"It's not everyday your ex-boyfriend gets infected with your old pal's AI and kidnaps you," she joked. His lips twitched with a small smile at her light hearted attitude. But then it became serious.

"I just wanted to know...how it got so awkward between us...."

"Frank-"

"Call me Doc, everyone else does,"

"Well...Doc...don't get me wrong it was fun and all....but," she reddened slightly and looked off out the window, "After our first time...y'know...having sex and all-"

"Wait a minute," O'Malley interrupted. Lucky was shocked to see O'Malley cause Doc's hair to sharpen and shrink. His eyes became much colder and more pointed, like a cat's eye, and he had an awful look of disgust on his face, "_You_ slept with this dolt?!" Lucky turned violent red at this.

"We were nineteen! We'd been dating for years already and well...we did what most people did at that age!" she defended. Doc snapped back into control.

"Yeah but...why was it so awkward for us?"

"Well...no offense Doc...but when you date someone with hopes for a more serious relationships, being able to stand having sex with the guy is kinda essential."

"You hated having sex with me?!"

"No its not that! It just....didn't fit right..." Lucky was blushing a deep burgundy now.

"Didn't fit right?!"

"I just felt like it wasn't going to work out. It made me think harder about...well about a lot of things...Like why I dated you in the first place." Doc was aghast and hurt.

"Why did you? I thought you liked me!"

"I did, I do! But think about it! You got to live and think freely while I was under the tyrannical reign of my ex-marine mother! Don't you think I was looking for a little rebellion? A little freedom?!"

"So I was you freedom train?!"

"Well in a sense-"

"Shut up! Both of you shut up!" O'Malley howled, "You're driving me up the walls here! First off," he said, pointing to himself, referring to Doc, "You having sex with anyone is just gross. Simply disgusting!" Doc's face contorted slightly with O'Malley's as he looked both irritated and disdainful, "And you!" he shouted pointing at Lucky, "I do not need to hear about your stupid angsty past and your stupid awkward ex-boyfriends! I need information on those imbeciles in the gulch! NOW!"

"But I don't know anything!" she yelled back, "I just got to work there as a secretary! I barely got to the canyon when you came around and freaking kidnapped me!" Doc groaned.

"This sucks. First I kidnap my ex-girlfriend, then I find out I'm terrible in bed. This day cannot get any-"

***BOOM***

"AY YAY AY!" scream Lopez, head zooming through the air. O'Malley growled at Doc.

"Were you about to say worse?!"

*Hours before, on the beach...*

"Okay, here's the plan," laid out Tex, drawing in the sand, "First, the Donut and I will take out the turrents with the grenades. Once they're gone, the rest of you spread out in pairs. One Red with one blue. Sarge, you go with Tucker. Grif, you go with Caboose, Simmons, you go with Church. Sister will hang back with me and Donut. She can go with Donut and I'll go after O'Malley on my own. Everyone needs to work on finding Lucky. Got it?"

"Got it," replied Sarge, "Although I still think we ought to consider using Grif to draw off the fire," he asked, eyeing Grif who rolled his eyes grumpily.

"As much as I hate to work with the Blues, I agree with Tex. For once I'm not being used for a distraction."

"Okay, but once Tex and Donut blow the turrents, we gotta move fast, and quietly," said Church, looking specifically at Caboose, "That means you can't talk Caboose. **_At all_**."

Caboose gulped under Church's strict stare but nodded. Anything was worth rescuing dear, sweet Lucky. Even if it meant working with any potential competition. He eyed his partner Grif suspiciously. Both of them were blond, but Caboose's hair was a lighter sunnier blond, while Grif's was sandy. Caboose felt his hair in comparison. It was smooth and evenly parted, but Grif's was ruffled and choppy. Would Lucky find such ruggedness attractive? Nervously, Caboose tried to assert himself. No way! It just proved to Lucky that Grif was a no-good-lazy-do nothing. Caboose agreed with himself; neat hair was way better.

Grif wasn't even considering competition of any sorts. He felt he was already ahead of the game. As far as he could tell everyone else was simply out of his league. Simmons was a kiss ass. Sarge was just unthinkable. Tucker was a slut. Church was an angsty bitch. Donut's sexuality was questionable. And Caboose was just an idiot. With slight smugness, he disregarded the rest. Grif may have lazy habits, but chicks like a laidback guy. And his wild looks were bound to lure in a freedom seeking girl like Lucky. Oh hells ya.


	11. Copyrighted Capture

"Oof! Ouch! Hey!"

As mayhem ensued outside, O'Malley seethed from room to room. Lucky heard snippets of arguments between him and Doc outside her room, where she sat, mollified from the explosions and gunfire outside, and even more so from Lopez's seemingly untimely end. Finally, O'Malley burst into the room looking positively maddened with rage and a sick idea for vengeance. With only a volley of evil laughter to reply her yelps, he swung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and dashed off. Lucky was not pleased, after all...shoulder armor was _extremely_ uncomfortable to have jammed into your stomach.

"OWWW! That HURT!"

"Shut up! Once I'm done with you, no one will stand in my way! Not even Micheal J. Caboose!"

"What'd ya want with Caboose anyways?!" she shouted over his voice.

"You'll see! You'll all see! But you won't be enough bait, so keep quiet!"

And he promptly shoved a thick wad of gagging material into her mouth and strung her up from the ceiling around her waist. She kicked her feet and shouted inaudibly behind the gag, squirming like a mouse to get free.

"Mmph! Mmmhmmhhmh!"

"Excellent..." crooned O'Malley, "And now, to go and complete the bait!"

Meanwhile...

"-so I definitely think we out go left, as most theories state-"

"Oh my god..."

As Simmons and Church walked along the base, looking for Lucky, Church was just about ready to shoot himself. Or let Caboose do the honors again.

"-that in a negative stigma of the highest caliber-"

"For crying out loud! Do you say anything that makes sense?" Church snapped. Simmons seemed unfazed.

"At least I'm being progressive. What are you doing?"

"I'm the guy with sniper rifle."

"And what good is that? You don't even know how to shoot it!"

"Hey! My aim is fine, stuff just happens to get out of the way when I shoot it."

There suddenly was a rustle that made them both jump. Flattening themselves against the wall, Simmons slowly edged up first and looked cautiously around the corner. There was nothing, aside from a fallen gun.

"False alarm." muttered Simmons, "Lets keep moving Church.....Church?"

No answer. He turned around and swore loudly when he realized he was gone.

"Son of a bitch! Where'd he run off to now?"

_______

Caboose eyed Grif with suspicion, holding onto his gun tightly. With equal suspicionm Grif gripped his gun, glaring daggers in Caboose's direction. Indeed, an enemy could've swooped in and shot them dead, and they probably would've kept on glaring at each other into the afterlife. They tromped along, ignoring the term "silence" as they inched closer to the interior of O'Malley's lair. Caboose barely nudged Grif with his shoulder plates-

"Watch it Blue!"

"I barely tapped you Red!"

Like the ingniton of TNT, they simply blew up in each others faces. They began to argue, until the speakers turned on. A familiar voice crackled across the static.

"Hey! Is this thing on? It gets terrible reception here!"

"O'Malley?!" the two soldiers wondered outloud.

"Ah! Right! Listen up you fools! I've got your precious little secretary! And if you want her back, you'd better hurry up and get the the tallest turrent!"

The speakers crackled and screeched as they cut off. Grif looked at the speakers as if it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

"Well that's the dumbest, most obvious trap I ever heard of. Only and idiot-" he cut off as he turned around....to see that Caboose had gone. He groaned, feeling an ulcer approaching. Of course. Only an idiot...

_________

Dashing around the stairwell to the turrent, Caboose felt the same elation he did when he first rescued Lucky. Finally! Now he'd save the day and everyone would like him! Especially Lucky and Church! He reached the door and swung it open-

-to find an empty room.

He looked left, right, up and down. Nothing. Just rusty walls and a stair to the roof, welded shut. He entered further into the room. Suddenly the door slammed behind him. He jumped and turned to rattle at the handle. Nothing. He was locked in. He sweated a little, befor reassuring himself that he'd be fine. He'd rescue Lucky, impress Church, humiliate the Reds (Grif especially) and Lucky would fall for him. Everything'd be just fine-

"Caboose!"

He swiveled around, and saw Lucky and Church! But they were tied up, back to back by a thick chain and descending slowly down. Lucky wriggled like a snake in attempts to escape, while Church glared at Caboose and the rest of room.

"I've got the horrible feeling that this is going to end gruesomely now that you're here."

"Nonsense Church!" chirped Caboose, happy to see his "best friend" mostly safe, "I'n here to save the day-"

"No."

"-and rescue you guys-"

"_No._"

"And then you will both love me!"

"What the fuck?!" Even as Church gaped unbelievingly at the blue private, Lucky simpered and blushed slightly.

"Aww, that's so sweet of you Caboose. But where's everyone else?"

"I think they all got chicken." he leaned in with whisper, "Especially that orange guy." Lucky's face fell slightly.

"You mean they all ran away?" Church rolled his eyes at both of their naivety.

"Don't listen to him he's crazy!" he yelled, "He killed me once! Well...more than once."

"Not my fault!" defended Caboose immediately, "Some people just got in the way of my helping."

"Will you just let us out of these things?!" Church yelled again, gesturing frantically at the chain holding them. But even as Caboose pulled at them, below his feet the floor parted two ways. Startled, he backed away and looked down along with Church and Lucky. Lucky screamed.

Spiked wheels turned quickly around and around, promising any (including the helpless Church and Lucky) who fell in a very gruesome, closed coffin affair. With a stream of colorful curses pouring from Church's mouth and many panicked shrieks from Lucky, they wriggled and kicked with vigor. Caboose, looking around panicked, finally saw an attatched chain. A dark, familiar voice rang out on a speaker.

"The only thing keeping your pathetic friends alive is you!" called out O'Malley. Church looked, rather hopelessly at Lucky behind him.

"Well, we had a good run."

A fresh shriek cried out from the both of them as the chain was released, about to plunge them into the spike pit. Caboose however, was quick to grab the chain adjacent to them. THe two captives bounced slightly from the jerky stop, before sighing with relief.

"Th-that was too close," squeaked Lucky.

"It wouldn't be new, believe me." groaned Church with aching ribs. Caboose looked back at them as he hung onto the chain.

"Ha! Take that mean doctor!"

"Not me!" Doc protested with a whine before O'Malley burst out with a maniacal laugh. Again.

"Fool! You fell right for my trap! Again!"

Once again, the floor panels fell away and revealed what seemed to be some kind of torture machine. It had implements of pain everywhere, some very, very disturbing, and looked surprisingly like-

"What kind of Grudge rip off is that?!" yelled Lucky, looked incredulous at the machine. Church looked oddly amused.

"Err, hold on Lucky...if he lets go we'll die, some of us again, but....could be fun to watch-"

"_CHURCH_!"

If Lucky had free hands, she'd probably have smacked him. Caboose looked very, very pale as he held onto the chain, looking at the nightmare machine before you.

"Uhhh...You know I didn't _mean_ anything about you being a horrible doctor..."

TBC: Yes, yes, this scene is a ripoff from Scary Movie 4. But I really couldn't resist. That machine pwns.


End file.
